Pressures…

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Under pressure

There are a lot of pressures in life but is it me or are some of these pressures unnecessary? The amount of things that are expected from people doesn’t always make sense to me if I’m being honest. I’ve said before that I feel life is meant to go the way that we want it as long as we put in the work that’s required but with that being said, what I feel is in no way correct (it might not make sense to some). These pressures that we’re meant to come out on top of can really ‘defeat’ us; we all know that not everybody finds a partner, some of those who find partners get married and find that there’s no love, not everybody gets their dream job and not everybody lives into their elderly years having friends.

I’ve always felt that these expectations are silently placed on us and it becomes easy to feel like failures for not achieving these things, even though the possibility of not achieving these expectations is very real. Do I feel that this is fair? That’s something that I feel you know the answer to and now I think about it, it’s not really relevant to the point.

What I want to know is how you deal with the pressures that I mentioned before? I know that thinking about these things for a long time can be trying which ultimately leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Do you reckon that these things even matter as much as they’re made out to? What pressures do you feel are unnecessary? Let me know.

Thoughts on worrying…

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One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I spend a lot of time worrying to myself about loads of things when it comes to my future. So many times the same questions come up, things like where am I going to be? What will I be doing? Who will be around me? It’s normal to be worried about something that you care about since we don’t know the answer to these questions. I’ve heard so many times that worrying isn’t a good thing because it’s not going to get you anywhere which is true. Life goes in whatever direction that it feels like and we don’t get a say in it which pretty much gives us fuel to worry about things because we may be making moves but we don’t know if they’re the right move and there’s never a way to find out (saying right can bring about more questions since that’s subjective as well). I’m someone who likes to feel as if I’m in control of things which is why I may never stop worrying.

I’m not really sure if worrying is all bad; I know that it can be terrible but at the same time it can be utilised positively. A couple of weeks ago I watched a video of somebody who had no idea of what he was going to do with his life, he was worried about what to do because the future that he saw for himself was taken away from him. Eventually he decided to have a go at re-voicing characters from his favourite series just for the fun of it and it ended up working out well for him. I feel like we should worry at times for our own sakes, there were a couple of times where I guess I was worry free because the situation allowed for it but I got too comfortable and it led to me having some regrets. If worries can lead to action being taken, then it may be for the best. I’ve learned time and time again that if you want something done then take action. I don’t think that there’s a problem with being motivated to do better out of fear because sometimes having positive beliefs about where you’re going and pushing your worries to the back of your head can wear and if I’m being honest, it’s not like life is all roses. BAD SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU AT SOME POINT BECAUSE IT LOVES TO DO SO!

This doesn’t mean that I’m fully trying to fully advocate worrying because I don’t want to see blood pressures being raised or find out that someone read this post and ended up having a nervous breakdown, I’m just saying that it’s not a bad thing to care about something. Worrying is a blessing and curse in a way.

I can see why not worrying has its benefits, but I think it’s the small things that will really show why. My worry free days didn’t always lead to regrets, in fact a couple of years ago I heard through the grapevine that I had a reckless attitude and as the rumour would have it, I went to party uninvited, didn’t say happy birthday, helped myself to a piece of cake and gracefully exited (does writing gracefully make it less of a dick move?) was I worried about what happened next? No. Should I have been? That can be debated at another time. At the time I wrote this post, I was at work wearing the wrong uniform (which I promised I would change a few days earlier), was I worried that I straight up lied and will continue to wear the wrong uniform in the future? No! Like I said, the little things shouldn’t worry you.

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Would this guy really steal cake?

Not to get too far from the point of the post, I know that worrying isn’t healthy but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be used to your advantage. I guess it’s really a perspective thing.

Losing and gaining

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Thinking about life

Life is weird. I know that anybody reading is aware of this, so what’s the point that I’m going to make you might (or might not) be wondering? LIFE IS WEIRD.

It’s the roundabout lessons and the sayings that get to me if I’m being honest. You’ve heard the whole thing about needing to lose something in order to gain/learn (not too sure how it goes but it’s along those lines). It sounds stupid and I hate it, the reason that I hate it is because it’s true and it’s not stupid. When we feel like we’ve got everything that we want/need then we start getting complacent with various things and it becomes easier to put tasks back which isn’t good for you. I say this because I recently experienced this.

A few months back, my laptop stopped working and I came on this blog to talk about some nonsense on what I had learned about the drugs, the duality of man, why the sky is blue and some other stuff (don’t look for such posts). Eventually I got my laptop back and the sensibility returned to my blog but the thing is that I got so lazy, probably because I was happy to have the laptop back. The weirdest part is that I kept telling myself how much work I was going to get done when I got the damn thing back. Life has decided in its weird way to help me out because guess whose laptop broke again?

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This guy!

This time around I will get a new one instead of blogging about missing it.

Let me not stray too far from the point. The laptop isn’t the only experience that I’ve had with this, but it gets to me that every time I lose something that I want/need, something sparks in my head and tells me what I need to do in order to move forward and as a result I’m more productive for it. Life might be meant to be the way that we want it to be but it’s definitely something that we’ve got to wrestle with and pin down before we get to that point. Why is life like this? Who knows?

You never know what to expect on any given day, I feel that it’s practically impossible to prepare. I’d like to think that with most things life takes away from you, there’s a solid justification that you’ll eventually find. I can’t speak for everybody on this but if something is taken away then it means that life is taking you on a course which will see you gain more than you expected because its twists and turns have their own solutions that you’ll need to figure out.

I still wish that life didn’t have to be so weird about it though.

Fronting…

I’ve always wondered what it is about people who front. I’m not going to act like people can’t put on facades because we’ve all done it at some point, but there usually comes a time where we become comfortable with ourselves and we can say things about ourselves knowing that we might be judged and it’s ok because we know that it’s a part of life. In all honesty, I’m very confused about people who try hard to promote an image that clearly isn’t them because I have a hard time seeing what people gain from it.

When I was in university, I remember overhearing a conversation between a friend of mine and somebody else, the other person said with such confidence that he doesn’t believe in relationships even though he was in one (and clearly in love with the woman as well). Over the course of my time at university, there were a lot of things that this person said which didn’t add up and it made me wonder why it was so hard for him to be real with himself. In my opinion, there’s a set distance on which you can go with a front before people around you start to figure out that something’s up and it’s even worse when it becomes obvious to those around you that you’re not keeping it real.

It’s probably been this way for a long time but thanks to social media, it’s very clear to see. The pictures that people put up on Instagram of expensive hotels that they stay in on holiday with captions which make it seem as if it’s a normal occurrence for them even though (I’d like to think) most are aware that a lot of money was saved up to get that one week holiday, tweets of people talking about being on a grind or wanting to do positive things even though it’s for show, videos of people doing generous things that they might not do without a camera and all of that jazz.

I assume that people front mostly because they want everybody who’s around them to think highly of them and of course it’s very hard to criticise somebody who’s great. The thing is that it brings about another question, doesn’t maintaining the front get hard? When you present yourself in a certain way then naturally people expect certain things of you, some that you might not even be able to deliver but can’t back out of because it’s part of your character; as I said before, there comes a point where people realise that things don’t add up and that opens you up to more of the criticism that you were trying to protect yourself from.

People are always going to have an opinion no matter what you do so there’s not much point in trying to force an image just to get others to think of you highly. Everybody is held accountable for something negative because it’s just how life is and it’s a lot easier to be yourself who might not be thought of highly by everyone than someone else who is trying to seem too good to be true. At the end of the day, we’re with ourselves all the time, we know the real us and that’s the person who’s staying until we die.

These are just my thoughts though. Everyone only gets one life so they’re free to do whatever the hell they feel like doing.

Living with kind of hatred…

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Ever been in a situation where look around and you realise that you just have so much kind of hatred for everything around you? I’ve been going through this and in a weird way I’m grateful because it’s slowly teaching me what is for me and what isn’t. If I’m completely honest, it’s almost as if the kind of hatred has naturally taken over; I never felt it creeping up or anything, just one day I went to work and looked at my surroundings only to realise that I don’t care for it at all. Maybe don’t care isn’t the right way to explain it because I’m a little bothered and that’s because I’m bored.

I feel like the opposite of Future because I have to put a (metaphorical) mask on. The weirdest thing in all of this is that what I’m talking about may seem really negative but I promise it’s not. I just like the feelings and the situations that give us time to reflect on what’s happening around us because I feel that in those moments we can think of a 1000 things that we’d rather be doing and at least one of those 1000 things is something that we can do and go after.

I wouldn’t exactly wish for anybody to be in a situation where they’re bored or unhappy but I do feel like those feelings in a working environment are a type of pressure. When you realise that you don’t want to be in the situation that you’re in, there’s always a choice which is either to crumble under the self inflicted pressure and let life take you wherever it pleases, or not to crumble under it and find something else to give yourself more of a purpose. It’s a shame things are like that (or I could just be rationalising things wrong) because people aren’t inclined to care about your feelings or your situation given that they’ve got their own battles to fight.

When I’m in this kind of mood, it makes me realise why people really appreciate drinking after work and weekends. It’s a well deserved rest, not just from the pressures of work but from yourself in a way.

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Deep Jeffrey is back!

One thing that I haven’t out and out stated is that when it comes down to it, you’ll realise that there’s always more to be achieved. It’s great to sit down and reflect on where you are but no matter what you’ve achieved, you’re capable of doing more and I reckon that having negative feelings might be a way of telling yourself that you need to try. It makes wonder how I’d feel if I looked at the situation that I’m and I felt as if everything was ok.

A thought (rambling possibly)

This may (will) be me just doing some rambling if I’m honest with you but I can say that I appreciate you reading this rambling. In my last post, I wrote about dreams and why people don’t like to talk about them, then I started thinking about it during the night, especially my time doing work experience which helped me to think of this post. I’m somebody that gives a fair amount of thought to the future, I don’t know what’s going to happen in it, only that the decisions that I make in the present will shape it some way, I also feel that I’m at a point in my life where I can get away with making mistakes which may be part of why I think about following dreams (the drugs may have had an effect too).

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The drugs

I regularly think about people who have made a lot out of very little and that always serves as a reminder that a lot of things (if not anything) are possible. Some people honestly live a lifestyle where they wake up and are already making a lot of money and they know that they don’t have to do much during the day because they’re reaping the rewards from risks that were taken at an earlier point in life and this is the point that I want to get to. Everybody is different, some people want to work in an office, others want to drive but as long as it’s making you happy that’s the main point.

Last year around this time, I started doing some work experience which lasted eight weeks; before I started my work experience, part of me thought that I wouldn’t mind working in that kind of environment because I got to sit down all day at a computer, check social media and write stuff up on Microsoft Word but it didn’t take very long before I started feeling as if I was wasting my time. I’d look out of the window midday truly believing that I could be doing something better with my time. I also paid attention to the kind of conversations that the people around me were having and it really seemed as if they didn’t enjoy what they were doing, they were always happy to talk about getting an extra half hour in bed or having an extra day off but seemed to quickly lose energy when actually working.

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Me looking at the computer screen blankly

The one thing that I heard so often was ‘you just get used to it’ and it wasn’t only from work, it was from family as well. There was never anything said about it enjoying it, just accepting that life can get like this and whatever boundary it sets for you, you have to make the most out of. I never felt as if I could connect to that way of thinking, people looked so apathetic towards life and tired (after being in such a situation for so long I can only imagine how it affects the confidence required to quit and start afresh on something else) and I feel that it was a result of that.

I feel that a lot of things that we do in life are done because we’re told to do them and when I see what it can lead to, it scares me. Having to hear conversations about people being in debt (not to say that shit won’t happen if you follow your dreams), feeling as if there’s a time limit for you to do things even though it really is a matter of perspective as well as other things really doesn’t sit well with me deep down and they never will. It doesn’t sit well with me because whilst it’s accepted in the present, I feel like it will lead to a lot of regret, and it’s very hard to recover from that; knowing my own experience with regret which saw me sat still at times asking myself why shit went wrong over something which was relatively minor has already served as a warning to me not to actively add to that list.

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Me in regret mode

I know that not everybody gets their dream scenario, if they did then I doubt that I’d be having these kind of thoughts. I still reckon that trying is better than having a thought with great potential and leaving it because there’s always something to be learned from these decisions. I’ve heard that if you try to do something with yourself and you fail then you’ve wasted time but I honestly do believe that you’ll be further ahead in terms of achieving your goals and you’ll never go back to square one. Everybody is different so it’s up to them how they do things but for myself, given the situation that I’m in now, how I view 9-5 jobs and my work experience I feel as if I’ve  got to try and make something big for myself.

Achieving goals…

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During my time in university, I kind of dabbled in the drugs and a lot of stuff happened especially with my mindset. It became very positive which is something that I needed and I feel like I was on a wave that most 19 year olds were on at the time, which was to discover a passion and follow your dreams. I wouldn’t say that the drugs were the reason that I started doing so but they definitely played a role in it.

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The drugs

Despite everything I’ve said in my first paragraph, that isn’t really the point of this post (I’m sorry that I made you read that). These days, I’m still trying to be positive which can be hard to do but if there’s one thing that I’ve kept positive on without wavering, it’s following your dreams and trying to achieve what you set out for yourself. No matter how big or small, I feel that people owe it to themselves to at least try and achieve something that they’ve wanted because living a life of regret doesn’t do any favours for anyone.

One thing that I’ve found is that people don’t really seem to agree with it. Obviously people are entitled to their opinion so I understand that they might think my thoughts on this are silly, but I still find it weird that people are willing to say fuck that and be “realistic” whatever that means. Usually when I talk to people about doing well and trying to make their dream lifestyle a reality, they just look at me like I need to grow up, or they’ll entertain me but I can see in their face/reaction that they want me to stop talking about it.

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When people hear me start talking about goals

Some people don’t know what they want to do with their lives and it’s not something that’s easy to figure out but even just thinking about the future in such a way can cause people to switch off and I’ve always wondered why? The people that I’ve met seem very reluctant to talk about it as if it’s been programmed into them but they don’t really seem to be too thrilled with what’s going on in their lives at the moment (unless that’s the facade that they’re putting on). Not everybody gets to achieve their life goals but there are factors which contribute to that. What I see almost seems like a case of people giving up before they’ve even tried.

Once again I ask, why don’t people like to talk about goals?

It’s not by force that people have to talk about their goals or entertain me when I’m trying to have that kind of conversation but I honestly can’t get over the amount of people who don’t really care to talk about it. I guess talking about it doesn’t bring you any closer to achieving it but I’ll say this, those who I know that don’t like to talk about it have rushed into something else that is perceived as good (because it makes decent money) but when I ask them further about it, they just say that it’s something to do and they have a bit of experience but there’s little to no conviction in the way that say it.

Life is puzzling as well as challenging and as I’ve said before following your goals isn’t easy, in fact it has its own puzzles and challenges; with that being said I don’t think it’s scary or anything to turn your nose up at but that’s just my opinion. Maybe the drugs gave me an extremely romanticised view of achieving goals because I like to think about the end and I usually take a we’ll get there when we get there approach towards the hard work aspect. I still have a lot to go through in life so it’s possible that my mentality will change but hopefully I become more set in my ways.

What do you reckon on people not wanting/liking to talk about goals, could you give me some insight?

After university…

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Me wondering what I was going to do with my life

You might remember my last post about working and blogging or you might not and just in case you don’t, let me just post the link….. here (still not good at plugging but you know…) Since getting a job, a lot has changed, I’ve become a lot smarter, a lot better and whole load of other cliché things that’s going to make you think “WOW! Jeffrey’s really got his life on track!” Actually I’m lying, it’s been three weeks and in that time the only thing that’s changed is that I’m bored, really, really bored. I don’t need to go into the details of my job and I hope my employers don’t ever come across this post because I can’t make money from being fired.

I’ve gone off track so I’m going to get on with the point and my point is this, that phase of not having a job is so incredibly underrated. Coming out of university, a lot of people I talked to were saying that they were going to get jobs (some even had jobs by that point) and I was in that boat where I felt like I needed to get a job as well. I saw a lot of videos which basically said not to worry about getting a job and instead go and fulfil goals because there isn’t always going to be time for that and I brought into it, but a part of me said ‘BULLSHIT!’ How was I meant to go and achieve goals without money? Was I meant to ask my mum for an allowance at my age? I don’t think I fully understood what those videos were saying though.

Basically my response to the videos.

Apparently, university is an incubation period between being a child and an adult; I guess that’s because you get to do a lot of shit that you wouldn’t usually do at home and there really isn’t anyone to put you in trouble. There’s a lot of shit that goes down when you’re away from home and it could possibly be one of the most insightful periods of your life but for me, I feel like the real incubation period starts after you leave university.

It’s not always guaranteed that you’re going to get a job straight after university so it means that you have a lot of free time to think and in that time there will probably (almost certainly in my case) be regrets over a lot of useless shit. The thing is, when you’re not feeling sorry for yourself you can take time to think about what you want to do in the near or far future and start formulating a plan. It’s not to say that you can’t do this at any other time but this is a concentrated period of time where you don’t really have any obligations and you’re also old enough to have an idea of what you want from your life.

You’d be surprised at the things you could think of whilst actively searching for a job and another great thing is that you’ll have the time and energy to make a start even if you don’t have the money. People might look down on not having a job but the thing about having a job is that it’s time consuming and it’s worse if it’s something that you don’t want to do because there will come a point where it was seen as a waste of time. I’m not trying to praise not having a job (even though I kind of am) what I’m trying to say is that the jobless period can really aid in personal development.

I’m not too sure that I’ve made myself clear so just to make sure, I’m saying to embrace that blank period after university and before getting a job.

Working and blogging ain’t easy

Remember when I said that working wasn’t easy? You might not so I’m just going to post the link here (I’m not even good at plugging anymore but you know…), I was right to say that but I want to correct myself (which means that I was wrong? I’m not really sure now). What I wished I had said was that working and trying to maintain a blog (especially without a laptop) isn’t easy, in fact I find it fucking hard!

I’m sure that most if not all the people that I follow on wordpress balance a job along with their blogs and I’m sure that most if not all of the people I follow have been blogging longer than I have too, so I have to give credit where it’s due. For all of you bloggers out there, I’m trying to get to your level and this is what I think of you.

Honestly, I thought that I’d get on top of it until I saw that I was a month behind with posts and it got worse because I wanted to write things as well, the time constraints on top of that mean that I don’t even get time to comment on all of the posts which sucks. If it weren’t for this weird thing I have where I feel I need to post at least once a month who knows what would have happened?

After seeing what having a job does to your free time, I appreciate bloggers even more now and I think this next video I’ll post helps (a bit) to explain it.

You know what? It doesn’t, I just wanted to post it.